Inevitable

Against my own instinct to refrain from publishing anything personal, 

The pain is like a renewed wound.  

A fresh cut,  every single day.

I wince every time I remember the irreversible finality of what just happened,  and my heart reverts to a state of newfound shock.

Over and over and over again. 

Each moment I remember it is a wave of realization. 

And it doesn't dawn on you like the morning sun. This right here is a bolt of lightning and I have nowhere to run for cover. 

I'm paralyzed with exhaustion at my own helplessness. To change what is. To ever go back,  to what never will be.

It's sharp - cutting away precious hours from your life. 

It's cruel - an ache that you can never get used to.

It's bitter -  a truth pill you just don't want to swallow.

It's indifferent -  a tidal wave that abandons you to the shore.

And heartbroken,  I keep returning back for more.